Reunion
by theblindman
Summary: Four students return for a 10 year highschool reunion, only to find themselves caught in an argument between an alcoholic teacher and a hardlining principal.


[The stage is bare except for a table around which are several chairs. A bowl of punch, some plastic glasses and another bowl of chips sit on the cheap tablecloth that covers the table. It is raining outside, the soft pelting of droplets bounces off the roof. Mr. Ferguson stands directly behind the punch-bowl, pocketing a flask. There is a door leading to outside stage left, and another opposite it that leads farther into the school. He walks over to the outside door and gets ready to greet arrivals. He hears a few noises, and cocks his head before all is silent. A few more noises, a slight rattling, then nothing. More noises, a crashing sound, before the door bursts open and James Ketchum enters, his raincoat shiny with water. Mr. Ferguson rushes towards him]  
  
Ferguson: Hello there George, let me take that from you. It's good to see you back at this old school. A school so alive with memories. So full of the youthful laughter and merriment of your carefree teenager years. An old man like myself gets his pleasure from you brats, although you've grown since I saw you last. Grown into a fine young man. And I'm pleased to see that your tie is straight, and your suit is pressed. But I've forgotten my manners. Let's see, there's punch and chips on the table, the bar is near the back, although it's self-serve, which I don't strictly mind. But tell me, how are you my boy? Still a volleyball star?  
  
James [Handing his dripping coat to Mr. Ferguson, and interjecting at the appropriate times.]: Thank you Mr. Ferguson, and it's James. I never played volleyball. And I nearly broke my neck on Old Shaker out there. They still haven't fixed that staircase?  
  
Ferguson: That they haven't boy, that they haven't.  
  
James: Yes, well, is anybody else here yet?  
  
Ferguson: No siree. It's just you and me son.  
  
James: So this is it?  
  
Ferguson: Yes, this is it.  
  
James: This is it.  
  
Ferguson: Well, for now. It's only six o'clock.  
  
James: It's rather small isn't it? I mean, for a class reunion.  
  
Ferguson: Yes, well…  
  
James [Sitting down]: Yes, well… That should be… Yes…  
  
Ferguson [Sitting down]: Well…  
  
[They sit in silence for some time. James is dressed smartly, in an expensive business suit. Mr. Ferguson is dressed in his habitual teaching clothing: Kakis, white shirt, tie, and jacket with elbow patches.]  
  
Ferguson: Well…  
  
James: Yes…  
  
Ferguson: Punch?  
  
James: Thank you. You didn't spike it did you?  
  
Ferguson [Laughing awkwardly]: No, of course not my boy.  
  
James: Yes…  
  
Ferguson: Well…  
  
[James takes a sip of the punch. It is spiked, and he grimaces. He looks oddly at Mr. Ferguson, who smiles innocently back.]  
  
James: You're sure you didn't…?  
  
Ferguson: Of course, why would I do something like that?  
  
James: Well there was… Nevermind.  
  
[They sit in silence again. Suddenly, there is a rattling from outside, somebody is again climbing Old Shaker. James and Ferguson both race to the door, and wait expectantly. More noises, growing in volume until the door bursts open and a tall, burly figure strides into the room, past James and Ferguson, spraying them with rain. His entrance is punctuated by thunder. It is Spike G. Menasiam. He removes his raincoat while the other two brush the droplets off their blazers. Spike is dressed casually in sports wear, over which he has thrown his old school blazer, which is several sizes too small.]  
  
Ferguson: Well Greg, you look healthy. It's good to see you back at this old school. A school so alive with memories. So full of the youthful laughter and merriment of your carefree teenager years. An old man like myself gets his pleasure from you young-uns, although you've grown since I saw you last. But I've forgotten my manners. Let's see, there's punch and chips on the table, the bar is near the back, and it's self-serve so you of all people will have fun with that. But tell me, how are you my boy?  
  
Spike [Interjecting as needed]: You too sir. And my name is Spike. I nearly broke my neck on Old Shaker there. Are they ever going to fix it?  
  
Ferguson: Not likely sonny. I'm curious, are you still playing hockey?  
  
Spike: Professionally.  
  
Ferguson: Well, that's wonderful. Have you scored any goals?  
  
Spike: One or two sir.  
  
Ferguson: That's excellent.  
  
Spike [Seeing James]: Hey there Squizzer, how the hell are you?  
  
James: Couldn't be better. I see that you have your old blazer on there Spike.  
  
Spike: For old time's sake you know.  
  
Ferguson: I see that you have your gym clothes on Mr. Menasiam.  
  
Spike: For old time's sake. So James, what the hell have you been up to?  
  
[James opens his mouth to answer, but his cell phone rings and he brings it to his ear, turns away and flips it open all in one practiced motion.]  
  
Spike: Well, you got yourself a cell phone. That's good.  
  
Ferguson: So my boy, won't you sit down.  
  
Spike [Seeing the room for the first time]: This is it?  
  
Ferguson: Well, yes.  
  
Spike: For the entire class?  
  
Ferguson: Absolutely.  
  
Spike [Sitting down]: Hmmm…  
  
Ferguson [ Sitting down]: Well…  
  
James [Ending his call]: Yes, I'll deal with it in the morning. Goodbye. [To the table] Sorry about that. I'll turn it off.  
  
Ferguson: No harm done my boy. Sit down. We were just discussing graduation.  
  
James [Sitting down]: I remember that day well…  
  
Spike: I remember the party afterwards…  
  
Ferguson: It was a bright sunny day…  
  
James: I was sitting next to Kevin Herdinger…  
  
Spike: Come to think of it, I don't remember the party at all…  
  
Ferguson: A glorious day for your departure into manhood…  
  
James: I remember what I was wearing…  
  
Spike: Well, more like the whole day…  
  
Ferguson: You were all, so eager to discover life outside school, experience the real world…  
  
James: Under my robes I had on my lucky black pants, a blue button-up shirt and an orange tie…  
  
Spike: I wasn't wearing anything…  
  
Ferguson: I was glad to – WHAT?  
  
James [His cell phone rings]: Thank you. [He flips it open and moves away from the table, chattering].  
  
Spike: Well, I, um…  
  
Ferguson: Yes…  
  
Spike: Hmmm…  
  
[Noises from outside the door. Spike rushes to the door to get away from Mr. Ferguson, who follows a little afterwards. More noises, slowly gaining volume. They stop and Mr. Ferguson pushes his way forwards to greet whoever is about to enter. A sudden crash followed by several loud thumps and a cry of pain. Mr. Ferguson and Spike race outside while James continues talking on his cell phone in a corner.]  
  
James: WHAT?!? Nathaniel Ronfalls is coming here? Why didn't anybody tell me? Well of course I know that he was in my class. Yes, I'm sorry sir. I shouldn't have shouted at you. Yes, I'll be in tomorrow.  
  
[Spike enters carrying a tangled lump of raincoat, blazer and mud. Ferguson follows anxiously behind, giving his welcome-back speech. Spike puts it down on a chair and steps back, brushing the muck and rain off himself. The two men smell the air and cringe at the stench of garbage. Spike pulls a rotten banana peel off his jacket.]  
  
Ferguson: Well, Brian here is still bumbling as usual. But it's good to see you back here, at this school so alive with memories. So full of the youthful laughter and merriment of your carefree teenager years. An old man like myself gets his pleasure from you young-uns, although you've grown since I saw you last. But I've forgotten my manners. Let's see, there's punch and chips on the table, the bar is self-serve. Which, if you'll pardon the term, is "awesome." I love a self-serve bar. But tell me, how are you my boy?  
  
Alex [From inside the heap of clothes, interjecting as required]: My name is Alex Manning, Mr. Ferguson. Oh I'm fine Mr. Ferguson. I'm enjoying sitting here covered in filth. I find the stench especially appealing.  
  
Spike: Damn that's one powerful stench. Reminds me of James's old locker.  
  
James [Over his shoulder]: My locker did not smell.  
  
Alex: James is here? Tell him I say hi.  
  
Ferguson: Your right son, it does smell like James's old locker. Unfortunately his business is detaining him.  
  
Alex: Ahh, that's the aimless nattering I hear in the background.  
  
Spike: Yes, that would be him.  
  
Alex: He's still CEO at that huge fashion outlet? The specialty fashion store.  
  
Spike: Yes, the gay clothing retailer? I can't remember its name.  
  
Ferguson: Tell me Mr. Manning. Why don't you get out from under that heap?  
  
Alex: I would, Mr. Ferguson, but I am in an enormous amount of pain right now, and unable to move my legs.  
  
Spike: Damn it, what's the name? GayBay or something…  
  
Ferguson: Come now my boy, it can't be that bad.  
  
Alex: Well, I'll do my best, Mr. Ferguson. God this stench is repulsive.  
  
Spike: FagTag…  
  
Alex: Right then, three, [Mr. Ferguson joins in] two, one, UP.  
  
Spike: QueerGear!  
  
[All rise. Pause. Alex is dressed in a low-quality plaid jacket and cheap grey pants. His shirt is likewise inexpensive, as is his tie. His appearance is further marred by the rubbish that spots his clothing.]  
  
Alex: God I stink.  
  
[Alex walks out the door and into the rainy night, leaving the door open. Old Shaker clangs as he descends. Spike and Ferguson look at each other awkwardly.]  
  
Ferguson: So, is he just leaving like that?  
  
Spike: What a weird guy.  
  
James [Hanging up his cell phone]: Yes sir, goodbye.  
  
Spike: Didn't you say you turned that off?  
  
James: Well, I realise I may have… At the time I might have said… I lied.  
  
Spike [Sitting down]: Hmm…  
  
James [Sitting down]: Yes…  
  
Ferguson [Sitting down]: Well…  
  
[Fade out on table. The set is the outside corner of a building. The two walls extend diagonally outwards from stage centre. There is a metal door in each of the brick walls. The door stage right swing outwards and Nathaniel steps on stage and looks around. He pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket, and begins to carefully roll a joint. He is dressed in his school uniform.]  
  
Alex [Offstage]: …bombed that test. Damn it was hard.  
  
Nathaniel [Looking back]: It's clear. And yeah, I know what you mean. But I cheated so it doesn't matter.  
  
Alex [Entering]: I left at least half the questions blank. Dirty Fergie writes the worst tests.  
  
Nathaniel [Searching his pockets]: You got a lighter?  
  
[Alex produces one. They suck silently for a bit.]  
  
Alex: You going to Jesse's tonight?  
  
Nathaniel: I guess so. There's nothing else happening so why not?  
  
Alex: She has a way-hot friend who knows someone who went to summer camp with you who told her that you were hot, so now she's vibing you and looking for some action. And I know you haven't been with any girls lately so I was thinking-  
  
Nathaniel: I'm not-  
  
Alex: C'mon, it'll be fun.  
  
Nathaniel: Sure, why not.  
  
Alex: That's the spirit. [Breaks out into the shaft song.] Tell me now can you remember, the playa with the chickies all over his member?  
  
Nathaniel: Shut up Alex.  
  
Alex: Nat! Who's the smooth criminal gonna frisk his girl for his brother man?  
  
Nathaniel: That doesn't even make sense!  
  
Alex: Shut up, you're ruining the mood. Nat! Who's gonna go in there and slap some butts, and break it down for all the sl-  
  
Nathaniel: Okay, joke over!  
  
Alex: You're no fun Nat.  
  
Nathaniel: Shut up, someone's coming.  
  
[Nathaniel hides the blunt behind his back, and leans casually against the wall. Mr. Ferguson enters wearily through the door on the other side of the corner and wedges a textbook in the frame to stop the door from locking behind him. Alex and Nathaniel listen intently on the other side. Mr. Ferguson pulls out a bottle of vodka and a shot glass. He fills the glass and takes a swig, before sliding down to the floor and leaning back near the corner. He takes another swig and sniffs, smelling the tobacco in the air. Mr. Ferguson and Nathaniel peer around the corner at the same time. They jump back, dropping their respective substances on the ground in plain sight. The bottle lands closer to Nathaniel, and the cigarette closer to Mr. Ferguson. A long pause.]  
  
Nathaniel: Uh, hi sir…  
  
Ferguson [Getting to his feet and drawing himself up with a malicious grin]: Well boys…  
  
Alex [Offering him a cigarette]: You, uh, want some?  
  
Ferguson: I think Mr. de Ville would be fascinated to know about your back- alley activities. Do you think we should go talk to him?  
  
Nathaniel [glancing at the flask]: I dunno, will there be vodka there too?  
  
Alex: 'Cause that's a one way ticket out of here.  
  
Nathaniel: And aren't you retiring next year?  
  
Alex: That'd be a terrible way to end your illustrious career.  
  
Nathaniel: Sad.  
  
Alex: Very.  
  
[There is a long pause, then Mr. Ferguson slowly bends down and picks up the cigarette that Nat dropped. He leans back against the wall and begins to smoke it. Nat picks up the vodka, and slides down the wall to the ground. Fade out on corner. Fade in on tables]  
  
Alex [Shouting from offstage in the rain]: Hey there. You here for the reunion?  
  
Nathaniel [Offstage]: Yes, is it up Old Shaker?  
  
Alex [Offstage]: For old time's sake.  
  
Nathaniel [Offstage]: Jeez, you stink like James's old locker.  
  
James: There was nothing wrong with my locker.  
  
[The rickety noises begin again as Nathaniel climbs Old Shaker. They stop as Nathaniel reaches the top and enters. He removes his jacket in silence, while the others watch him. He is smartly dressed in a business suit of the same quality as James's.]  
  
Nathaniel [Shaking hands]: Mr. Ferguson, it's good to see you again.  
  
Ferguson: Good that you could come, Bob. [Breaks out into his entrance speech, and continues nattering quietly for the rest of the scene] It's good to see you back at this old school. A school so alive with memories. So full of the youthful laughter and merriment of your carefree teenager years. An old man like myself gets his pleasure from you young-uns, although you've grown since I saw you last. But I've forgotten my manners. Let's see, there's punch and chips on the table, there's as much as you can stomach at the bar. All types, Smirnoff, Jack Daniels, Baileys [etc. the list should be longer but my knowledge is seriously lacking on this subject]. But tell me, how are you my boy?  
  
Nathaniel: Nathaniel. [Turning to Spike] Spike, you're looking fit.  
  
Spike: Always have. What the hell have you been doing?  
  
Nathaniel: Business consulting for fashion chains. Lately I started up for a brand called HeteroRetro. We're trying to build a platform against [Seeing James] – JAMES!  
  
James [Bitterly]: Nathaniel. Good to see you here.  
  
Nathaniel: You two.  
  
[All sit]  
  
Nathaniel: So…  
  
James: Well…  
  
Ferguson: Yes…  
  
Spike: Hmm…  
  
Ferguson: Punch?  
  
Nathaniel: Yes please.  
  
Spike: Fill 'er up.  
  
James: I've already got one.  
  
Ferguson: I think I'll have one myself.  
  
[Awkward pause.]  
  
Spike: Well…  
  
Nathaniel: Hmm…  
  
Ferguson: So…  
  
James: Yes…  
  
[The silence is broken by the rattling of Old Shaker as Alex climbs. Climactic bang and pause. Ferguson, James, Spike and Nathaniel react accordingly. Alex enters, dripping wet from head to toe. There is a long pause.]  
  
Alex: Well, I've had my shower.  
  
Spike: That's good.  
  
Nathaniel: Yes, very good.  
  
James: So…  
  
Ferguson: Yes…  
  
Spike: Hmm…  
  
[Nathaniel's cell phone rings. He opens it up and walks behind the table. James, leans back in his chair to listen in on the conversation, and takes out a notepad and pen.]  
  
Nathaniel: Yes sir, the Johnson file will be done by the end of the week. Greg's taking the commission, so we'll probably be seeing spots some time soon. You know how he is in his tastes. I would have offered it to Emily but neons are out of the straight community at the moment. Plus Karen would have flipped, you know how the two are always competing, and Jorge wanted it as well, so he might be looking for a new job. We should offer him something fast if we want to keep him. If things get really bad he'll switch sides and head for QueerGear- [Sees James eavesdropping]. Can I call you back sir, there's an unskilled labourer listening in on our conversation, and I'd hate to divulge something important to him. No, that was not a threat. James is listening in. I'll call you again in about five minutes.  
  
James [Pocketing the notepad]: Well, that was fun.  
  
Nathaniel: You are a conniving bastard. Listening in on my business calls, honestly. You haven't changed a bit.  
  
James [Standing up to challenge Nathaniel]: So, it's not as if you wouldn't have done the same thing if the situation was reversed.  
  
Nathaniel: At least I care about my work. You're just in it for the money and the fancy suits.  
  
James: At least I know how to live life. I'm on top of my game.  
  
Nathaniel: Whatever, you're not even a designer.  
  
James: You're not even a businessman.  
  
Nathaniel: You're not even gay!  
  
James: You're not even straight!  
  
Nathaniel: Good point.  
  
James: Okay.  
  
[They sit in awkward silence for a bit. Ferguson checks his watch]  
  
Ferguson: Crap, Mr. de Ville's going to be here in a bit, I need to get out of here.  
  
[He gets up, pours himself two glasses of the spiked punch, and leaves by the door opposite Old Shaker. Lights slowly dim. The scene where Mr. de Ville suspends Spike follows. When the lights return to the table, Mr. de Ville has entered and is standing by the door stage left. He is a middle- aged man, easily twenty years the younger of Mr. Ferguson, but healthy and full of life. He is dressed in habitual teaching wear, although a more expensive version than what Mr. Ferguson could scratch together]  
  
Ville: Well boys, it's good to see you again.  
  
[Nobody stands. De Ville crosses the room and offers a hand to each of them in turn. Nobody takes it.]  
  
James [Bitterly]: Good to see you too sir.  
  
Ville: James, you're looking sharp.  
  
James: You too sir. You've aged well.  
  
Ville: Thank you… Mr. Menasium, you've got quite the grip there. You've been keeping yourself healthy I see.  
  
Spike: Same to you sir.  
  
Ville [Getting more anxious as he realises that nobody likes him]: Nathaniel. Your business is doing well?  
  
Nathaniel: Yes sir.  
  
Ville: Please, call me Edmond.  
  
Alex: Hello Mr. de Ville.  
  
Ville [Thinking that Alex didn't hear him]: Call me Edmond. We are grown men now, we can be on familiar terms.  
  
Alex: Of course. Edmond de Ville. Would you like some punch Edmond de Ville?  
  
Ville: Please.  
  
[Ville sits down, facing away from the table. Alex picks up a clean cup, examines it to make sure it's clean, and finding that it is, puts it down and picks up a dirty one. He fills it up a quarter of the way, and hands it to Ville. Ville takes it, and seeing that it is barely full, gives Alex a sidelong glance.]  
  
Ville: Um… It's empty.  
  
Alex: No it's not.  
  
[Ville takes a sip and spits it out]  
  
Ville: It's alcoholic!  
  
Alex: No it's not.  
  
[Ville looks to the other students for help. They all turn away from him]  
  
Ville: Look. I know you all don't like me. I know I wasn't the nicest principal of all. But I couldn't be. You were wild, and full of youthful vigour, and you should have been. That is what you do during your teenage years. But you had to grow up, to mature. And that was my job. And I came here hoping that we could put old feuds behind us. Hoping that we could have a good laugh at your… at our academic antics. So I'm asking you to accept that, and greet me like men. Like the fine men you have grown in to. Now, can you do that Alex?  
  
Alex [To nobody in particular]: I'm going to go blow-dry myself.  
  
[Alex exits stage right]  
  
Spike: I have to go check the meter.  
  
James [Heading to the bar]: I'm going for a drink.  
  
Nathaniel [Heading for the bar, and laughing to himself]: Academic antics?  
  
[Ville is left alone]  
  
James: Don't you follow me here, Nathaniel.  
  
Nathaniel: Me, follow you. You were always the one behind.  
  
James: At least I didn't have something in my behind.  
  
[A short pause]  
  
James: Whoops, sorry. Just slipped out. I don't get why you gays have to be so anal about all of this.  
  
[A short pause]  
  
Nathaniel: Shut up James.  
  
James: Yeah well, you have to admit it, those were good.  
  
Nathaniel: If only your business acumen were on the same level as your wit, you would make money.  
  
James: I blame it all on my school.  
  
Nathaniel: Why do you hate "Edmond" de Ville so much?  
  
James: He suspended my best friend. Kinda turned the mind against him. You?  
  
[Fade out on the bar and table. Lights up on the corner. Mr. Ferguson and Nathaniel have switched sides, while Alex lies on his back downstage-centre with his hands over his eyes in a semiconscious-state]  
  
Alex: I don't get it Fergie. Why do you make your tests so hard. I mean, half the stuff we haven't even covered in class.  
  
Ferguson [Joking]: I hate you all.  
  
Nathaniel: No seriously. Are you not getting enough sex or something?  
  
Ferguson: No.  
  
Alex: You're not getting a raise?  
  
Ferguson: Nope.  
  
Nathaniel: You can't afford a car?  
  
Ferguson [Shaking his head]: Uh-uh.  
  
Alex: Intestinal problems?  
  
Ferguson: I'm not that old.  
  
Nathaniel: Your wife having an affair?  
  
Ferguson: No.  
  
Alex: Kid problems then?  
  
Ferguson: Nope.  
  
Nathaniel: Employment problems?  
  
Ferguson [A slight pause]: Uh, no.  
  
Alex: Ah, the new principal.  
  
Ferguson: Shut up.  
  
Nathaniel: These damn, uppity, junior teachers…  
  
Ferguson: I said shut up.  
  
Alex: I guess if you weren't such a boozer…  
  
Ferguson: SHUT UP!!!  
  
[A long pause]  
  
Alex [Stating facts]: Well it's true. They would have promoted you if you didn't knock a few back every day.  
  
Ferguson [Getting up to leave]: Yes… Well…  
  
[Fade out on the corner. Lights up on the tables at the reunion.]  
  
James: You hate him because he got the job over your drinking buddy? And I thought you were stupid! Now I know you're stupid.  
  
Nathaniel: Shut up. It was an important moment of bonding.  
  
James: Yeah, over a couple dimes and a bottle of Vodka.  
  
Spike [Entering from Old Shaker]: Hey James, what'd I miss?  
  
James: Speaking of Fergie, where do you think he went?  
  
Nathaniel: Oh crap.  
  
[He rushes out the door stage right]  
  
Nathaniel [Offstage]: Hey Alex, we're gonna go grab Fergie from the corner.  
  
Alex [Offstage]: One sec, let me finish drying my pants.  
  
Nathaniel [Offstage]: Damn it hurry up.  
  
[Alex makes the sort of noise a man would make when he is pulled out of the washroom while putting is newly-dry pants on]  
  
Nathaniel [Entering, Alex in tow]: Hey James, let's go.  
  
James: Where?  
  
Spike: Don't ask stupid questions Squizzer. The man's in a hurry.  
  
Alex: Squizzer? Honestly!  
  
[All four leave. The stage is empty, except for Mr. de Ville. Black out.]  
  
Nathaniel [Offstage]: He's not here.  
  
James [Offstage]: Well where would he be then?  
  
Alex [Offstage]: Hey, I found his vodka.  
  
Spike [Offstage]: Well, he can't be far off then.  
  
Nathaniel [Offstage]: I'll check the bathrooms.  
  
Alex [Offstage]: I'll go look in the parking lot.  
  
Spike [Spike]: I'll search the hallways.  
  
James [Bumping into Spike, offstage]: Crap why's it so dark?  
  
Spike: Watch where you're going Squizzer!  
  
James: Sorry. Can you get up?  
  
Spike [Offstage]: Jesus, my ankle.  
  
[Lights up on the tables. Ville is looking through an attendance sheet and checking off names]  
  
Ville: Atkins didn't show, Bobbins didn't show, Chan didn't show, Cooperson didn't RSVP, Davids no known address, Farley didn't show, Herdinger in jail, Huston didn't show, Karalopolis didn't RSVP, Ketchum is off chasing Mr. Ferguson, Manning off chasing Ferguson, Market on vacation, McCormick is in the hospital, MacDonald is dead, Menasium off chasing the boozer, Newelt didn't show, Newhouse didn't RSVP, Nowakowska didn't show, Reaney in Cuba, Robson in Hawaii, Ronfalls off chasing that damn, no good, boozing, sonofabitch Ferguson!  
  
[He throws the attendance list away in disgust. Ferguson has entered stage right and is leaning in the doorway]  
  
Ville: I'm going to drink myself into depression.  
  
Ferguson: That would be no good. Then there would be two no good, boozing, sonofabitches in the school.  
  
Ville [Startled]: Yes well, we can't have that now.  
  
Ferguson: Actually, I was thinking it could work out.  
  
Ville: I'm not sure if even one is a good idea.  
  
Ferguson: You could cover my classes while I nip out for a wallop every now and then.  
  
Ville: I mean, I'd have a hard time, with all the support you have from the alumni.  
  
Ferguson: And I could cover your classes while you slip outside for a shot of grandma's cough medicine.  
  
Ville: God knows why they back an outdated, alcoholic like you.  
  
Ferguson: It might take a bit of convincing though, since you never touch the stuff yourself.  
  
[James enters stage right, Spike hopping on one foot, leaning against James for support. They look up, and see the two, older men]  
  
James [Yelling back behind him]: Hey Nat, we found him.  
  
[Nathaniel rushes in]  
  
Ville: I don't drink because of people like you. Look what it does, destroying your lives, ruining your careers…  
  
Ferguson: I drink because of opportunist assholes like you. You'd do anything to advance your position. You know as well as I do that I'm better qualified than you for this job!  
  
Ville: Except you used to sneak out behind the school and smoke up and booze with students.  
  
Ferguson: I don't have to hear this. I have places to go!  
  
Ville: Hurry, you're late for you're A.A. meeting.  
  
Ferguson: What!?  
  
[He yells and rushes at Ville, swinging wildly. Blackout. Some thumps]  
  
James: Hey.  
  
Nathaniel: Watchout.  
  
[Crashing noises]  
  
Ville: Ooof.  
  
Ferguson: Hah!  
  
Spike: Grab him.  
  
James: Ahh.  
  
Ferguson: Woah.  
  
Spike: Oww, ankle.  
  
[The sound of a table turning over]  
  
Nathaniel: Lookout.  
  
Spike: Falling over. Help. Somebody.  
  
Ferguson: Take that.  
  
[A splash]  
  
Ville: Hey!  
  
James: I got his legs.  
  
Nathaniel: I've got his arms.  
  
[Lights up. Spike is sprawled on the floor stage right. Ville sits in a puddle, stage centre, the punchbowl overturned on his head. James and Nathaniel are holding Ferguson upstage. He is making furious motions at Ville and trying to break free from the two stronger men. More crashing noises from Old Shaker. Alex rushes in stage left.]  
  
Alex: What'd I miss? Jesus!  
  
Ferguson [Enraged, and getting worse]: I'll get you, you bastard, you precocious, pretentious, lascivious, lecherous, conniving, capricious, tedious teetotaller!  
  
James: Calm down there sir.  
  
Ferguson [Furious, and getting worse]: You don't deserve anything you repulsive, revolting, shrivelled, shameful, hellish, whore! I think you're useless!  
  
Nathaniel: Go easy there Fergie.  
  
Ferguson: I think you're so worthless I'm surprised two parents could produce you without genetic engineering. I think you would walk over your own mother, grandmother and sister for a penny. I think you would ignore every moral standard created since the Golden Mean to fulfill your devilish plans! I think… [Passing out] I think I've had a bit too much to drink.  
  
[James and Nathaniel lay him down]  
  
Alex [Crossing to Spike]: You okay? What happened?  
  
Spike: My ankle gave out. Damn it.  
  
Ville: Well, that settles it. Mr. Ferguson is unfit to work in this establishment. I'll just head over to my office and put together the necessary papers. Right after I… um, blow-dry my clothes.  
  
Alex: The one on the left is broken. And the nozzle on the one to the far right is bent so you don't get as good a stream.  
  
[Ville looks at him nearly smiling]  
  
Spike: Heh. Devilish.  
  
James: What?  
  
Spike: Fergie said devilish. As in de Ville-ish. Get it.  
  
Nathaniel: Shut up Squizzer.  
  
[Ville makes to leave for the bathroom]  
  
Alex: Edmond. Give him a chance.  
  
Ville: Why? He's an alcoholic, hardly fit for any teaching job.  
  
Alex: Yeah, but give him a chance. Yes he has a problem. He knows it. He's a tough guy though. He'll make it through detox. I'll stick by him. And the rest of us will.  
  
[The others nod their agreement]  
  
Ville:You're sure.  
  
Spike: Yes sir… uh Edmond.  
  
Ville: I'll think about it. Heh, de Ville-ish. Very clever Mr. Menasium.  
  
Spike: Thank you. And may I say that you took that punch like a man.  
  
Ville: Thank you. I think.  
  
[Ville exits stage right]  
  
Nathaniel: Well, shall we get Fergie out of here?  
  
James: Right, one, two three and hup.  
  
[James helps Nathaniel sling Ferguson over his shoulder. Nathaniel carries him out and down Old Shaker]  
  
Alex [Helping Spike to his foot]: Have you considered a change of careers?  
  
Spike: Like what, war amps?  
  
Alex: Of course not, stand up comedy.  
  
Spike: I'd have to be able to stand for that.  
  
Alex: Shut up Spike. And honestly…  
  
Spike: What?  
  
Alex: Squizzer?  
  
[All but James exit, who returns to the bar and begins mixing a drink. Ville enters stage right, doing up his belt. His shirt is untucked, and he carries his jacket over his arm. He has pocketed his tie, and undone his top button. He approaches James tentatively.]  
  
James: You want a drink Edmond?  
  
Ville: No, thank you.  
  
James: You're sure? You haven't lived 'till you've tried one of my Bay Street Bulletin Busters.  
  
Ville: Yeah. Sure. Why not.  
  
[James mixes another drink, and hands it to Ville, who timidly takes a sip]  
  
James: So, how have you been the last ten years?  
  
Ville[pausing before answering]: Not bad. I started doing part time work for the board…  
  
[Blackout] 


End file.
